How Gaming Changed My Life, (For The Better…)
Life is uncomfortably unpredictable. You can’t control where in the world you’re born, what economic status you’re born into, or how many opportunities you’re born with. There are almost no situations in real life where I can say "If I make this choice, then a predictable outcome will happen without question". Life can, for the most part, be unpredictable, and doesn't follow any rules. But games always have rules, objectives and mostly comfortably predictable outcomes. If I want to be Poppy’s best friend in Animal Crossing, I just send her little letters, give her cute little gifts, and bam— we’re instant besties.
Games give you an avenue in life where actions directly advance towards specific goal, wherein life rarely has that. Though there are plenty of games with nuance, such as “To The Moon” where we have failure in our mission and learn that sometimes even the best decisions can have undesirable consequences. However, most games exist as an escape, with the objective simply being— to win. With gaming, we get to leave behind the real world implications of decision making. Goals seem arbitrary as we navigate a fantasy world to check off boxes and achieve things for achievements sake. And that is exactly what makes the experience of gaming so beautiful and cathartic. In gaming, we don’t need to fret over every decision and choice, as there’s truly nothing to lose, because if we don’t like the way it’s going, or we want to change something, we can just—start over.
I didn’t grow up gaming. I was a quiet, scared, and lonely kid. Being the shy and anxious kid I was, I was deathly afraid to make mistakes and stand out. So, I simply enjoyed watching my friends and family play videogames. My family only had a GameCube, and one of my favorite things to do was watch my little sister play Wind Waker. Another treasured memory is sitting curled up on the couch while my mom played Animal Crossing. But occasionally, I did join in on Mario Party 4 and 6 (only if I got to play as Yoshi of course). I also remember snagging a copy of Hello Kitty Derby Racing out of a Walmart bargain bin as well, but mostly because I liked the cover art. Other than that, I never ventured out much in the way of gaming, and that’s not because anyone explicitly told me not to, but because baby me thought I was bad at gaming , and I didn’t care to risk the embarrassment of making mistakes to get any better. So I wrongly assumed that gaming would never be for me.
As a kid, in addition to being extremely nervous with a faux sense of apathy to cover up my crippling anxiety, I had this intrinsic need to be productive. My family struggled financially growing up, so I felt an immense pressure to be successful. Not only because I wanted to provide for myself, but I also wanted to provide for my parents. I never wanted to be under the same amount of financial stress that they were—that absolutely terrified me. I conjured up this idea in my mind that if I could just buckle down and work as soon as I could, and as young as I could… I could do it. I could provide for everyone. I got a job as a hostess at Six Flags at 15 and a half years old and one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that; no matter what Mark Cuban from Shark Tank tells you, hard work itself doesn’t inherently bring anyone success. There wasn’t any amount of normal 9-5 work that would have me be able to provide for both myself and my family. I had to learn, that unfortunately, life is about balance.
The concept of “balance” has always been quite frustrating to me. I find it hard to properly relax as it gives me the feeling that I’m “wasting time”. I was forced to slow down and face my issues with balance in 2020 right when Covid19 hit. In the early 2020’s upon graduating with my masters degree, I had also just moved back to California from Seoul, and I was left extremely lonely after leaving all of my friends in Korea. I was traveling between the 2 countries for almost 5 years while pursuing my education. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was always focused on keeping up the appearance of being someone who had it all together. Even though I was surrounded by genuinely kind and wonderful people and did amazing things in Korea that I never thought I would do, such as; hike the tallest mountain in Korea (Hallasan), go to Michellen star restaurants, and stand front row at a JYJ concert, I still felt an emptiness.
Despite the amazing experiences, my hyperawareness of my appearance to others led me to feel undoubtedly physically present but mentally exhausted. I barely slept because I was so stressed about work and school and where I’d be five years from that moment. And it meant so much to me what people thought of me that I never shared my life with anyone. Nobody knew anything about me, and my relationships were shallow. When I finally got a job that superficially deemed me as a success, I was miserable. Not only because I wasn’t vulnerable and honest about myself when I was younger, but because I didn’t even really know who I was. I was 25, freshly graduated, no lasting friendships, and at that point my fiancé Thomas was sick in the hospital. I felt as if I had nowhere to go, nobody to call, because if I did they’d be confused because they never knew what was going on in my life.
I’ve been told by both my family and my friends that I seem like the type who just knows their passions and has it all together. But I was motivated out of fear of inadequacy, and that’s not having it all together. I was left lonely, achieving empty milestones. If there’s one thing 27 year old me would tell my 21 year old self it would be to calm down, and everyone changes at different paces. When you're younger everyone has similar milestones. Everyone in your class are the same age and you truck along together graduating grade to grade every year. But Between 21 and 27? Everything changes. One friend gets married and have kids, another friend bought their first house while another moved back in with their parents, and the other now works at google and buys their parents a car. One person has traveled the world and another haven't left their hometown. Everyone is at such different stages around you that it's hard to compare yourself to others, and it's easy to feel inadequate. But I’m begging you, don’t listen to that self doubt, you’re not inadequate. Even though you might not believe it, I’m going to ask you to try. What matters most is that whatever you do, do in kindness. Because I thought when I looked back what would be most important to me is how people remembered me, but that’s not it at all, I wish I was kinder. I wish I cared more for people, and I wish I took the time to share myself with others.
Adulthood can be wonderful and freeing, this might be a hot take but I do enjoy adulthood more than childhood because of that financial freedom and freedom to use my time as I wish. But what nobody told me is that adulthood also comes with the responsibility of finding fulfilling hobbies. And I found, that how I spent my free time, in a large way, determined how I felt about myself. I felt an emptiness because I didn’t have any hobbies, and I also felt angry with myself because I wanted to be creative but I was too scared to be.
So how to gaming fix all of those feelings of inadequacy and loneliness? Well, it didn’t. But it helped me find a little bit of enjoyment in the day, it gave me a moment to smile, a little break. Gaming has been one of the most meaningful ways I have found balance in my life, and has overall been a positive impact. It bothers me when I hear people describe videogames as pointless, because there’s always is an air of judgement in their tone. Of course games are pointless, that’s the beauty of it. Everyone needs to do things to escape the world even just for a bit and relieve some stress.
As an adult, when I started playing more video games, whenever something wasn't going well in the real world, it was ok because when I got home I could just load up Animal Crossing and decorate my buddy Sherb’s house for a while. And it was positive because I had something silly and fun to look forward to. Or I could throw on Step Mania, Friday Night Funkin, or some Osu and jam the night away. There is also a sense of wonder and enjoyment in the mystery of thrifting for cute bargain games too. Every shop has a bargain bin, and even if you stick your hand in, pick up something random, that new copy of Ninja bread man was yours for $4 to keep. I find myself discovering fun things I didn’t even know I wanted or knew existed.
Sometimes in life, the most seemingly mundane and silly things shape and mold us in the most unexpected ways. The little words you may have said to someone today might re-shape the way he or she thinks further down the road or who knows that person might even change the world, or maybe you’ll just help someone see things through a new perspective. Or maybe you’ll just make someone smile, and feel warm. Not everything has to be so serious. Life is about balance. Be kind to yourself. Even if you never have before, try picking up a game, let go, allow yourself to have fun.